Men! Stop beating yourselves up when your penises don’t do what you want them to do.
Remember when you were a kid and it would get hard right when you were about to give a speech in front of the class? Today, you’d love looking like that—a well-endowed rock star, advertising your goods to the audience while prancing about on stage. But alas, your penis had a mind of its own when you were young, and it still does today. We don’t control them; they do exactly as they like.
But there are ways to trick penises—tricking them in a nice way, that is—even at the height of performance anxiety. Performance anxiety is something nearly every man experiences, terrifying men in advance and embarrassing them in the moment. (And you thought it was only your penis that refuses to cooperate.) When you struggle with performance in the throes of passion and nothing—nothing!—works, stop trying, remind yourself that penises do exactly as they like, and take a deep breath, letting it all go.
In place of trying, turn to your girl or guy friend and say: “The next hour or two are yours. Forget I’m here. Disappear into your most exciting place of eroticism, and simply take in the pleasure. During this time, you have no responsibility to me to give back or respond in any way. In fact, you have no responsibilities at all. I’m not here. Just lay back and enjoy.”
If you’re like most guys, during the time you’re pleasuring your partner, your penis will go up and down several times though you’ll be so focused on your partner, you’ll hardly notice. After your partner experiences a mind-blowing good time, ask if he/she would do the same for you—perhaps a couple hours later after sharing a great lunch. It’s called taking turns, and as far as I’m concerned, it’s every bit as hot as the traditional slam bang both-at-the-same-time style of lovemaking we’ve been told is the only right way to have sex.
It’s also called “removing the curse.” Once you eliminate the need to perform, respond, meet expectations, and function like a porn star, you stop worrying (blood to the head) and start relaxing (blood to the penis). It’s a great trick and your penis won’t mind.
I’ve seen guys who couldn’t get it up to save themselves go from 0 to 60 in thirty seconds after telling them to kick back and forget I’m there. I’ve similarly watched girls in response to the same set of directions proceed in seconds from dry and tense to juicy and excited. Who says there’s a right and wrong way to create intimacy and love the people we love?
I hadn’t seen my friend, Lincoln, (not his real name) in thirty years. He was a young motion picture studio exec in Hollywood when I was a graduate student in San Diego. We reconnected a couple of years ago in LA, and over lunch, my now seventy-something friend mentioned that he’d been ill, hadn’t had an erection or orgasm in years, and was told by his doctor he never would again. When we got back to his house, he again brought up the subject with a clear underpinning of depression.
“Lincoln,” I said, “have you ever had an erotic massage?”
“I’ve heard about them,” he answered with a hint of surprise, “but I’ve never had one. Where do you find that kind of thing?”
“Right here,” I said, standing before him.
“You mean you’d be willing to do that? What do I have to do?”
“Take off your clothes,” I told him.
While Lincoln removed his clothes and spread out on the bed face down, I told him: “The next hour or two are yours. Forget I’m here . . .”
He obviously enjoyed his thirty minute “back rub,” with pleasure applied lavishly to every square inch of his nicely-tanned body. I then invited him to turn over and attended similarly to his front. Ten minutes in, Lincoln was sporting a magnificent erection. Fifteen minutes later, he was spurting all over the sheets. He cried and laughed and cried some more as I held him and rocked him for over an hour.
Lincoln eventually got up and made us some tea. Filling my cup, he smiled and said, “Guess my doctor might have gotten it wrong.”